The Roads Not Taken

Lolita and I swapped anime doodles as our teacher droned on. The woman was closing in on eighty, referred to us as her precious flowers, and insisted on spelling tests despite our being advanced Global Humanities and Literature. Nobody liked her. She was given a classroom of the best and brightest students in the school, the ones who were ravenous for knowledge, and she wasted our time with slow paced curriculum and off topic lessons.

This week we were finally onto our poetry unit. I've always loved poetry, whether it was writing or reading. I love finding profound hidden meanings, or relating to characters across worlds.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

The teacher read far too slow for me. I had already read and nearly memorized the poem, so I occupied myself by doodling a tiny fork stuck into the ground between the roads in the illustration. I listened just enough to be able to pick up the spot in case I was called on to read.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

We finished the poem and our teacher asked us to analyze it. Her question was greeted with silence. She called on me. "Jessica, what do you think the metaphor is in this poem?"

I stared at her blankly. I knew the answer, this poem was an open book. I never answered this teacher's questions though. I liked to push her buttons. The class suck up's hand darted into the air and she said "oh! oh oh!" Until the teacher called on her so she could answer.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

We had to write an essay about how the theme of two diverging roads play a role in our own lives. I bullshitted the entire thing. I was sixteen! When had I ever had to make a life decision that took me in one direction instead of another? Marching band instead of cheerleading? I guess.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

But now, now things are different. Now I can clearly see Frost's two roads. I can clearly see two paths laid out in front of me. Two roads diverged in the yellow wood that is my story. I've seen them over and over again. I've chosen the road I would not take over and over again.

You know what? I can't remember a time when I've come to a crossroads where I chose to take a path that was laid out for me.



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
And sorry I could not travel both
and take comfort in knowing my fate, long I stood.
Then left the paths in the yellow wood,
To forge my own road,
And knowing how way leads on to way,
I was comforted that I should never look back

Might be moving to California soon.
To quit the office job.
To be a surfer girl.
And professional writer.
To make my marketing career explode.
To make my dreams come true.
To forge my own path.

Ferberizing.

Scientists noticed that ferberizing causes an imbalance of hormones which results in higher instances of anti social disorder, anxiety and ADHD in children.

My mom used to just put whiskey in my milk.
Whiskey-izing.
What does that result in?

A stripper.

Self Talk

Model Boy says he wants to see me after work today.

Dear Jess,
You are the strongest lady I know. Don't forget that.
Stick to your convictions.
Do not love a man who doesn't love you.
Don't stay with something that isn't going to work for the temporary comfort it brings.
Cliche, yes, but if you love it let it go.
If it comes back then it's yours forever...
and if it doesn't come back,
go be promiscuous
drink too much
talk too loudly
and have some fun.

You'll fall in love again.
-Twisted

Welcome back, Twisted.

I carefully dabbed a tissue under my eyes to soak up the remainder of my eye liner. I made eye contact with the girl in the mirror. I saw something familiar. That mischievous glint of independence. Welcome back, I thought.

I am single again.
I'm actually really really upset. I know I talk a lot of shit about Model Boy, but my blog is my place to vent. I leave out a lot of his awesomeness. But I don't want to get into that right now because he dumped me and I am really bummed out. So, despite my sarcastic wit, you should know that I just finished crying my eyes out and am stoned out of my mind.

Model Boy texted during the middle of my work day being all bummed out. It escalated to him saying only "Fuck :/"

I called him.
He didn't answer.
I called him.
He didn't answer.
I texted that I'd call his mom if he didn't answer because I was afraid something was wrong.
He called me.
Said a little bit of what was in the letter.
I asked him to wait for me and LEFT WORK, where I was winning the sales competition. I drove home to the apartment and met him there. He immediately apologized and i knew shit was going down.

Model Boy told me that things had changed and he just wasn't feeling it anymore. I was pissed he said he wanted to marry me and shit and now wasn't trying, but I kept my cool. I even said a sad but inspiring good bye speech. Then I gave him his Christmas presents and let him leave. Then I cried for a long time, smoked a bowl, and now here we are.

Hmm :/ I guess that's it.
Thought it was going to be more dramatic and crazy.
No, actually I thought it wasn't really going to happen.

Well this sucks.
Also, I can no longer afford this stupid apartment, or food. So Twisted's probably coming back.
Welcome back.


Let the slutstorm begin.


(Until then, I'm off to buy whiskey and cry.)

Christmas Gift Ideas: For the Ladies

Did you procrastinate your Christmas shopping this year? Well don't fret. Here are some gift ideas for the lady in your life. Perfect for girlfriends, mistresses, sisters, moms, and any other female who might be wandering around your life!

1. A ball gag
This is the gift that keeps giving, two ways! She gets to feel sexy and kinky, and you get to enjoy not hearing her voice.

2. A realistic mold of your dick
Especially useful for men who are out of town a lot. Now she can worship your cock no matter where you are!
*Bonus points: Have it made 1.5 or 2 times larger than normal!

3. Gourmet Chef's Knives
For making you sandwiches in style.

4. The Rabbit
I'm serious here. The Rabbit vibrator is everything you wish you were.
*Bonus points: Great way to lead into anal sex. "Oh hey sweetie! I see your pussy is busy. Let me just slip in over here instead..." She'll be so distracted she won't even notice.

5. A heartfelt note, symbolic jewelry and the promise of your eternal affection.
Or some shit like that.

Anal Sex: A Beginners Guide

Ah, the legendary Black Cherry. Made popular by such actresses as Belladonna and Sasha Grey. Immortalized as the final fucking-frontier in the classics Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge and Backdoor Sluts 9. Here I answer pornwatcher's question "why do most porn come with anal sex?"

Why indeed, pornwatcher. Why indeed. I never say that there is no such thing as a dumb question because that, my dear boy, was the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Anal sex is epic.

It's one of the final frontiers of sex! That is unless you're into eels, but let's not go there tonight. It's dominative and primal. It hurts a little, but that only heightens the pleasure. It's kinky and so naughty that the thrill almost outdoes the pleasure. Almost.

So, where do you begin?

Clean That Shit.
Seriously. Go take a poo. Plan the anal in advance and make sure you've been getting plenty of fiber. Gross and unsexy, I know. But so is poopy dick. So have a poo and wash off well. After all of my washing off I use some baby wipes too because I happen to enjoy some down there oral action before to act too, if you know what I mean.

Lube.
Trust me, if you're a beginner to anal sex you do NOT want to try it without lube. Your ass is (probably) going to be a very tight fit and you'll need all the help you can get. Any water based lubricant will do the job. YOU MUST USE WATER BASED if you are using a condom. Oil based lubes dissolve latex. Most people don't know this. Now you do.

Not using a condom? Then you can use any lube you want. I find water based lubes tend to dry out quickly and require reapplication often. My lube of choice is baby oil.

Don't have any lube? I've been there, my friend. I've found myself without lube many a time.

What have I used instead?
1. Olive oil
2. Petroleum Jelly
3. Body Lotion
4. Conditioner
5. Spit*

Please note: I am not a doctor. I'm sure I could have died because I used cocoa butter lotion as lube. But I am content with my life choices and as far as I know I'm not dead. Unless I'm a part of some cruel M. Night Shyamalan plot.

At any rate, lubricate everything. Best foreplay ever. Get that cock all greased up, and that asshole soaked with it. DO NOT squirt the lube into the chick's ass! If anyone's read "Assholes Finish First" you'll remember that squirting lube into an asshole and then fucking it open will result in a nasty ass geyser of shit. Just don't do it.


Prepare Yourself

Ok, you're all lubed up. Now it's time for some finger action. If you're an anal virgin you're going to need to ease that baby open, and prepare it for the pounding it's about to endure.

Start with one finger at first. Even a pinky if you have to. Make sure your nails are trimmed. Stimulate the outside at first, rub her asshole like a clit. Then ease in a lubed finger. Go slow and easy, work your way up. Two fingers next, with more slow fingering. You don't need to wiggle your fingers or curl them. The asshole does not have a g-spot to find. The sensation is all in the asshole itself for a girl.

Finger her with two fingers for a while. You can go faster now or be more aggressive if you want, but don't go too crazy. At this point she should be pretty warmed up. I wouldn't really go past two fingers because you still want that asshole tight for your dick.

Get it in.
Add more lube if you need it.

You can choose any position you want for anal, but as a purist** I prefer doggy style. Leaning over a bed, stool or chair might make it more comfortable for you.

If this is your first time, go slow. Really. Start with just the tip. Ease it in little by little, using your hand to guide it. If she's an anal virgin this isn't going to be easy. Once in, continue easing in another inch of cock. For the girl this will probably feel like the entire cock. Ease it out, then ease it back in a little farther. Continue this until you're about half way and then do a couple of thrusts with only half of your cock before giving her the rest.

If you're being polite, go little by little. If not, make her take the rest.

For the first couple minutes of anal sex go slow. She's getting used to your girth, and her ass is really sensitive. Get her used to it. Rub her clit, talk dirty. Then pound her when she's ready for it.

Having trouble getting it in? Have the recipient "bear down." Push back, and push like you're trying to poo. It sounds weird, but it works.

All done.
Fuck her til you cum. That's really all there is to it. I prefer to be cum in, because I am a bad ass.
For clean up use baby wipes. It's gentle for a sore ass.
High five.



Questions?

1. Condoms: This is totally your preference. Keep in mind that STD's spread more easily in anal tissue because it is more prone to tearing than vaginal tissue. If you're with a random, use a condom. Or if you want to feel more clean about the whole asshole thing.

2. Cramping: Your asshole might cramp up. Have him gently withdrawal. The cramp will go away after a second. Continue fucking when it's gone. Problem solved.

3. Ass to Mouth (ATM) or Ass to Pussy (ATP): Go take a shower. Don't go ass to pussy or ass to mouth. When porn stars do it they've enema-ed themselves clean prior to fucking, so they don't have fecal matter and things like e-coli to worry about. Ass to pussy will most likely give you an infection. Ass to mouth will probably make you sick.

4. Ass Eating: I read an article in Cosmo that said to stick to licking around, but not on, the anal area. Fuck you, Cosmo. Don't just stare at it, eat it. Just make sure you clean up really well first. Shower if you can. Even enjoy your oral in the shower. I also always carry around baby wipes with me. They're the best for cleaning up before sex.

5. Taking it to the next level: Anal sex while using a vibrator is probably one of my favorite things in the world. My dearly departed vibrator, The Wizard, had a clit stimulator I could hold while getting anal from behind. Ladies, you will never cum so hard as you will doing that.

6. Butt Plugs: Butt plugs are awesome. I only didn't include them because this is a beginners guide. As with anal, use lots of lube and go easy at first. Hm... I should start reviewing sex toys. Someday.

7. What if your partner isn't into the idea of anal? Bend her over for some doggy style, put it in her ass, and say oops.



*Best tip ever:
If you give really deep, wet head you'll notice your spit gets a lot more viscous. It makes head easier, and makes for the best lube ever. Try it.

**Just kidding! I'm not a pure anything!

Creepy Guy at the Grocery Store

Every time I go to Safeway the creepy bagger guy is there.

At first it started with exemplary customer service. Creepy Guy would bring me a basket upon entering the store and would engage in small talk for a moment before I headed over to the produce aisle. I'm a fairly antisocial person, but I would politely engage enough to not be rude.

Then it moved to Creepy Guy following me into the produce aisle. My work day is filled with forced conversation and courtesy smiles, so I really hate keeping it up into my real life. I want to relax and be an asshole in my time off. Creepy Guy follows me into the produce aisle, talking about the weather and vegetables. I politely evade him and escape to the soup aisle, because I don't like being watched while I pick out cucumbers.

Creepy Guy was waiting for me at the check out line and asked if I wanted help out to my car. No, I think I've got it. My cart has wheels. I politely declined. I must have spaced out on my way to the car because when I got there Creepy Guy was collecting carts in the parking lot.

"Let me help you with that," Creepy Guy headed over to me as I reached my car.

"Oh, nah I've got it. Thanks though!" I said firmly.

"Oh it's no problem!" Creepy Guy came over and grabbed a bag to help me load my trunk. Fucking awesome. I thought. I opened my trunk, which happens to be full of lingerie and stripper shoes. Creepy Guy hesitated for a second, taken aback at the trunk full of sex, and helped me load my three bags into my car. "Thanks," I muttered.

Another day I went to the store to pick up a case of waters. I didn't bother with a cart because it was just one case. Creepy Guy came over to load bags in my aisle.

"Now don't you tell me no this time!" Creepy Guy said, asking me if I wanted help out to my car.

"I'm definitely going to say no to this one." I said. This was getting too weird.

"You know," Creepy Guy said, "Females are the stronger sex." I blinked at him. He continued, "really, I've always believed that. A man would never be able to take the pain of having a baby." I stood there for a second.

"That's right." I said, because I had no other words.

My last trip to Safeway I checked out two boxes of Trojan XXL Magnums, a tube of lube and brought the boyfriend with me.

Creepy Guy was silent as he loaded my bags and did not offer to help me to my car.

That's right.

Stripper from Birth

When I was little we used to have this huge shade awning in the pasture for the horses. It was held up by four really tall poles. I used to climb up those poles and spin down them for hours when I was little.

A lot of the time I did this naked because I had a problem with clothes.

I wonder if my mother would be surprised that I turned out to be a stripper.

Sad things.

Model Boy had been begging to move in together, and even though I wanted to wait a few years until we were engaged, I caved and agreed we could move in together at the end of my lease. I'd find a new job and be able to quit stripping for him.

I searched jobs tirelessly. My work experience was limited to being a coffee house barista and teaching water aerobics. It was lacking. I applied for over 250 jobs before I got a response. It was an hour away from my then apartment, but we could move to Phoenix to make up half of the distance. I took the job, quit stripping, and was set to begin a new life.

We looked at apartments. Places fell through until it was a week before my lease was up. Then the shit show began. Model Boy confessed he hadn't told his parents that he was moving in with me.

He told his dad and he disapproved.

Model Boy came over and told me he didn't want to let his parents down.

...

Wait wait wait a second. We were expecting they'd be upset. They're very religious, and Model Boy is their only child. Of course they weren't going to be stoked. I didn't expect that this would make him change his mind.

Up until this point I had been blindly faithful. I quit stripping. Got a job that required me to move far away from my friends and family, everyone I knew. The job required I signed a year contract with them, I couldn't back out. I hadn't found a new place to live and now was facing homelessness in less than a week.

I had changed everything without even a thought to the consequences if everything fell through.

I hadn't even wanted to move in together in the first place. The other plan was I would get a dirt cheap apartment and start waitressing. That way I could quit stripping for him and still go to school and be independent. I told him he needed a year of "bachelor life", living on his own with friends. But he insisted we do it together, and I was thrilled at that plan too.

We fought all night. He told me I didn't understand how stressful this was for him. For him?? What about for me?? I had changed everything for him! He knew our plans months in advance. He didn't have to wait until a week before to let everything crumble! At the end of the night he said he would move in with me. I felt betrayed and hurt that I had been dumb enough to put myself in this position. I felt like I was forcing him to live with me, which I didn't want to do.

The next day Model Boy found my blog's twitter and lied about it. He lied and said it had come up on his twitter feed. I couldn't believe he thought I would fall for it. A few months before this he had some of his friends tail me at a bar and ended up showing up and catching me dancing with a guy. A flamboyantly gay guy. A few months after that he looked through my phone. This was his third strike for being that boyfriend and I was livid. We nearly broke up. I screamed at him until his balls receded back into his body. I didn't want this. I didn't want the man he had turned into.

I told him I wanted the Model Boy I fell blindly in love with. He promised he was that guy. Apologized. And we commenced moving in together despite that horrible week.

...

Things haven't gotten much better. I used to see adoration in his eyes at my every move. Being more than two feet away from each other used to be almost painful. He used to love with an intensity that I had never ever experienced in my life. He made me feel alive, beautiful and like I was an amazing person. Now it's different. We're a ghost of what we were.

I hope it comes back. I really do. I know the first year living together is supposed to be the hardest.

The Art of the Deep Throat

I can deep throat. I don't mean jamming a penis in my mouth as much as it will fit. I mean straight up pornographic, cock down my throat deep throating.

Maybe I developed this talent in marching band. Our instructor always told us to open our throats big enough to swallow a golf ball in order to get the best sound. Having been very naive in high school I didn't realize why everyone always giggled when he said that. I do now!

Right after my nineteenth birthday, during a threesome in a tattoo parlor, I showed my friend Jenny my talent. Her boyfriend gasped "I've only seen that in porn! I didn't know people could do that in real life!" And then he came. That was when I realized I had something special on my hands.

The secret is to practice. I mean it. The more you stimulate your gag reflex, the less sensitive it becomes. Stimulate that baby until, little by little, it almost stops working.*

How do you do this? Oh I don't know. Jam a popsicle down your throat every now and then? A banana, a pickle, your finger. Whatever. I'm sure your man wouldn't be opposed to helping you out. Jam that cock as far as it will go until you're at the brink of losing it. Then do it again. I suggest using a cock.

My best tip? 69. Every so often that guy with a cock like a zebra comes along and even I just can't get that monster to slide all the way down my throat. That's when use my ace. 69 with girl on top makes it so the angle of the dick matches the angle of your throat, and you can swallow anything.

If you don't want to do 69 on top, lay on your back on the edge of the bed with your head hanging over the edge. Let your guy face fuck you.

Deep throating has never been easier.

At first it will be difficult. Push yourself to the limit every time, and in no time you'll be a deep throating pro. As your gag reflex becomes less sensitive you'll be able to do it from any angle with any size cock.

Cheers!


*Bitches who say they "don't have a gag reflex" be lying. So if anyone ever says that to you, tell her to prove it.

Feeling a little insecure.

That's the thing about stripping. Every stage, every dance, every night you are reminded that you are beautiful. That you are the best, and that people want you. Sure, it's petty, but people throwing money just to look at you, paying twenty dollars a song just for conversation, it confirms self worth without a question. There wasn't a night I worked where I didn't feel wanted or pretty. Spin around a pole naked for a living in a room covered with mirrors and you can't help but realize you look good. It sounds cocky, but i'm not talking about me. I'm talking any girl. Look at your body long enough and you can't help but begin to love it.

The downside is that once you stop dancing you stop getting regular confirmation of your worth. You forget you're pretty. You forget you're such a badass that no one in the world can compare. It just goes away.

Dear Jess,
You've never been more successful. You're almost done with college, you just got promoted and are fabulous at your job. You're gorgeous and in the best shape of your life. Yes, you're sexy and wantable
Stop forgetting your twisted side.
-Twisted

California Dreamin

My family is from California. My dad is from Hollywood. I met Brad Pitt at my Uncle's restaurant. My Aunt and Uncle produced a certain animated Disney movie. Most of my family lives in Northern California. While visiting them I fell in love with the food and lifestyle of California.

Then Model Boy got me into Entourage.

I'm pretty darn sure California is where I'm going to end up.

Model Boy has been interviewing with a few modeling agencies in California. I decided that if he gets to move to California to pursue his dreams, I get to move to California to pursue mine. So I searched for writing jobs in California.

I found a job reviewing vibrators. Los Angeles, California, reviewing vibrators for a living.

Holy Shit. Yo quiero.

Christmas List

Nike Running Shoes
-black and lime green
-personalized to say "Jezzy Baby" on the tongues

Tiffany Heart Lock Pendant

Good Eats: Season 3 Cookbook